Laundry Day

I believe that everyone is broken in some way. We walk around with open wounds that haven't fully healed. I believe that most people hide from the pain...we put on our happiest faces and pretend the pain doesn't exist.


A few posts ago I said that I suck at suffering. It's true. I refuse to suffer if I don't have to. I also said that talking helps.


I'm so sick of being at odds with my emotions, so I guess it's time to talk.


As I write this, I have unresolved feelings about a certain person in my life. Over a year ago, my family was betrayed by a man whom we had known and loved like a brother for 20+ years. A large sum of money was stolen. But if you believe my wounds are because of money, I have some beach front property in Arizona to sell you! It's not about the money...never has been. Money means nothing to me. When you have it life is easy...when you don't life is harder, that's pretty much how money figures into my grand scheme of life.


I wish he had only stolen money. What he stole from me is much harder to earn, much harder to replace. He stole my trust.

From the moment he entered my life at 15, I based many of my opinions on his counsel. Kudos from him made me feel like a million bucks. When he took the time to check in with me I felt so important. He was a respected and almost revered part of my family. I was proud to know him.

I don't know the man he became...he is a complete stranger. It's almost as if two very distinct and separate personalities inhabit the same body...good twin and evil twin.


I have been taught to never judge anyone, that's God's job. I have been taught to forgive those who wrong me...always. I firmly believe in those teachings, and I am trying.


I can't judge him for his bad decisions...I've made several of those myself. I don't know what was going on in his mind at the time...I probably never will.


Forgiveness for the lies...that's gonna take some time. I'm not a hundered percent positive I can fully forgive...but like I said, I'm trying. I hope that if I keep at it, I will eventually work it out.


So, we've established that my dilemma doesn't stem from the loss of money, money comes and goes. It doesn't even stem from the uncertainty of whether I can forgive or not.

For months, I refused to see him or talk to him or even talk about him...but now, I miss him...I mean, the person he used to be. That's my dilemma.


I don't know if he is still the criminal or if he has changed back into the kind, honest man I once knew. I believe that the "good twin" is still there somewhere. I believe that the "good twin" feels remorse and sadness. Do I reach out to him? Do I befriend him again? Sometimes I feel like the "good twin" needs a friend.

I turn the questions over and over...what to do...what to do? There seems to be no concrete answer. I really hate that.

No one ever said that getting your laundry clean was easy...but I am trying.