Confessions of a Scale Addict

My entire day lives or dies on what my scale tells me. Sound familiar? I think this is true for most women, so Im pretty sure I'm not the first person to utter these words.
Almost 4 years ago, I stepped on the scale for the first time in months. Maybe years..And surprise surprise, I realized I needed to lose at least 40 pounds! I mean I had suspected for a long time, but the scale removed all doubt or denial. Damn scale!
I felt hopeless! Should I try to lose it or should I go in the other direction? You know what I mean...because we've all been there...losing weight is hard and not much fun...gaining weight is easy and can be a lot of fun. I decided to lose it...and that's when my very unhealthy, co-dependant relationship with the scale began.
Sometime, in those first few months of "The Diet", I read that people who weigh themselves often have a better chance of keeping the weight off...I think it was Reader's Digest who planted this dark little seed. I'm pretty sure they meant that you should weigh yourself every few days...ever the girl of extremes, Alese has to take it one step farther! Of course, because you know, I just wouldn't be me if I didn't go completely overboard. I decided to "weigh in" Every. Single. Day.
OK...maybe a little excessive but not certifiable insanity yet. Things went well. For years. I lost the 40 pounds. I even lost 50. It felt sooooo good. The same way Heroine feels good. I began "chasing the dragon". It's a drug term. Simply put it means that nothing compares to, nothing feels as good as, that first high and so you are constantly chasing after it. That's how addicts are born. To the best of my knowledge, I've never done Heroine...but I have done Scale. As in, "Hi. My name is Alese and I'm a Scale addict."
Soon, weighing in once a day wasn't enough. If once was good, twice was even better. Once after I first went to the bathroom, and then again a few hours later after I had sweated on the Tread climber for an hour and gone to the bathroom again. 2 pounds difference at least! Awesome!
Then the numbers on the scale began to be low enough that I couldn't believe they were right. I mean they couldn't possibly be right. Convinced that the batteries were dying, I got new batteries. Same low numbers. No Effing way! That's when I began to drag my family members into my addiction. I'd grab a cat and step on the scale. Low numbers turned into high numbers because my cats are lazy and fat! Put the cat down and step on the scale...low numbers again. what a relief! But wait! There's more! I would repeat this process 4 or 5 times! What is wrong with me?
Maybe a certain amount of denial. I didn't think I would ever be thin again and when I finally was I didn't believe it. Because when I look in the mirror I see a monster. A side effect of having once been not just overweight, but morbidly obese (that's a different blog entirely, maybe some day I'll get to it).
I've been chasing the dragon for a year and a half now. It's becoming detrimental to my emotional health! I gained some weight after Christmas...everyone does it. I nearly had an emotional breakdown. watching those numbers bounce up and down panicked me!! It still panics me...because the weight is still not gone.
In my typical all or nothing approach to life I tried starving them off...no good. Starving is just not conducive to weight loss. I tried eating healthlfully and sensibly...no good. I ended up over eating (over eating isn't conducive to weight loss). I just can't seem to find my groove (Beware the Groove!) and I'm freaking out! If I can't find my groove does that mean I'll get really fat again? I lose sleep trying to answer this question (lack of sleep isn't conducive to weight loss btw).
Everyone tells me that I should be focusing on how my clothes fit and how I feel physically. I've tried that, my size stays the same despite the weight gain. That's good. Right? Yes, but not good enough, because in the back of my mind I hear the scale. It cheers me on. It taunts me. I just can't let go. I've tried hiding it...but i KNOW where I've hidden it and it doesn't stay hidden for more than a day and then I'm back at it.
In the scales defense (I'm defending the thing that makes me feel bad about myself, that's just how co-dependant we are!), it doesn't matter what it tells me anymore. If it shows me a lower number I start to worry about the next days weigh in, thinking about all of the ways I slipped up. If it shows me a high number, I'm inconsolable for the rest of the day. Damned if it does...damned if it doesn't.
So...very long story, short, I tried to break my addiction this last week. I weighed myself on Saturday, Monday and Wednesday...thinking that if I wasn't so stressed about what the scale said I could focus on eating healthfully and exercising. I gained 3 pounds :( WTF scale!
The point of all my rambling is that, rationally I know i am more than a number on the scale. I have an amazing life, why isn't that enough? Why do I feel like the only way I'll be a worthwhile person is if I'm skinny and cute? These are the questions I am examining right now...I'll keep you posted.
I guess the one good thing is that every day I start over...I never give up! "Hi. My name is Alese and I'm a scale addict."