It's a fact...there is only one time every year that I am really, truely, blissfully, sublimely happy. That would be Fall. The rest of the year pales in comparison.
Summer and Winter are too harsh...too unforgiving. Too much. You are very likely to get a sunburn during the Summer months. You are equally as likely to get a nasty windburn during the Winter. The brightness of Summer and Winter hurts your eyes. It's too hot. It's too cold. It's just too much of everything. I don't fully trust people whose favorite seasons are Summer or Winter...I feel like they enjoy suffering.
Spring is OK...a tad bit unpredictable, but generally well recieved in my house. I don't have any strong feelings one way or the other about Spring.
But Fall...Sweet, Sweet Fall! All year long, I feel like if I can just make it back to Fall's loving arms, everything else will be ok. I have always felt that way.
It's true that my birthday is in October, thus strengthening my passion for Fall...but I am firmly convinced that I would love the season anyway. Fall is gentle. Soft. The temperatures are soothing, not too hot, not too cold but just right. The light shimmers, it doesn't assult the eyes. Even the trees bring out their Sunday best for fall. The rain refreshes. The air is crisp, not heavy. It is the most perfect time of year!
Nothing bad has ever happened to me during the Fall.
That, of course, is a lie.
For every bad thing that has ever happened to me, I will be able to tell you the corresponding season.
1996-Winter AND Spring
2006-Spring
2009-Spring AND Summer
1987-Summer
2007-Spring
You get the idea.
But when it comes to Fall, it'll take me a few minutes to remember the bad things. In fact, bad things have happened to me in the Fall...the worst things. The most devastating things. My Dad died in the fall. And on the flip side, some of the most important things have happened in the dead of Winter...I got married in December. My amazing daughter was born in December.
Clearly, I have no rational reason for loving fall the way i do...i just do. I think everyone has their favorite time of year...and are as irrational about it as I am.
I think that's what is so awesome about human beings. We are resiliant. We know that if we can just hang in there until a certain time or event...everything will be better. That's not true of course, but we need hope to drive us forward. Hope that things will be better.
I always get depressed at the end of summer. I don't know why.
If I can just hang on til September...everything will be ok.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Monday, August 16, 2010
I'm Sad...
The bitch of depression is that it creeps up on you! It comes on so slowly that by the time you realize that something is wrong, you are firmly in its strangle hold.
It retrospect, I guess I should have seen the signs...they were all there. I wake up tired, I go to bed and I can't sleep. Looking in the mirror is a nightmare, but I can't seem to force myself to do the things that make me feel better about that image. I bathe constantly. I eat too much. I drink too much...the list goes on and on.
I thought I was suffering in silence. I was wrong. This morning, my husband very gently informed me that he missed snuggling with me. I guess I've been isolating as well. I suck at suffering!
So...what do I do about this? I cannot, for the life of me, figure out what's been going on. What lead me to the downward spiral this time? That's the other crappy thing about being depressed...sometimes there is no reason. It just happens.
I guess that's a lie. I DO know what's been bothering me. Events long since passed are finally having their impact on me emotionally. Like the shock of it all is finally starting to dissapate and the reality is sinking in. Do I address those issues here? I've always hated it when people air their dirty laundry in a public way, it seems tacky. But obviously bottling it up is doing me no good either. So I guess I'll spill it, because talking helps.
It retrospect, I guess I should have seen the signs...they were all there. I wake up tired, I go to bed and I can't sleep. Looking in the mirror is a nightmare, but I can't seem to force myself to do the things that make me feel better about that image. I bathe constantly. I eat too much. I drink too much...the list goes on and on.
I thought I was suffering in silence. I was wrong. This morning, my husband very gently informed me that he missed snuggling with me. I guess I've been isolating as well. I suck at suffering!
So...what do I do about this? I cannot, for the life of me, figure out what's been going on. What lead me to the downward spiral this time? That's the other crappy thing about being depressed...sometimes there is no reason. It just happens.
I guess that's a lie. I DO know what's been bothering me. Events long since passed are finally having their impact on me emotionally. Like the shock of it all is finally starting to dissapate and the reality is sinking in. Do I address those issues here? I've always hated it when people air their dirty laundry in a public way, it seems tacky. But obviously bottling it up is doing me no good either. So I guess I'll spill it, because talking helps.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Confessions of a Scale Addict
My entire day lives or dies on what my scale tells me. Sound familiar? I think this is true for most women, so Im pretty sure I'm not the first person to utter these words.
Almost 4 years ago, I stepped on the scale for the first time in months. Maybe years..And surprise surprise, I realized I needed to lose at least 40 pounds! I mean I had suspected for a long time, but the scale removed all doubt or denial. Damn scale!
I felt hopeless! Should I try to lose it or should I go in the other direction? You know what I mean...because we've all been there...losing weight is hard and not much fun...gaining weight is easy and can be a lot of fun. I decided to lose it...and that's when my very unhealthy, co-dependant relationship with the scale began.
Sometime, in those first few months of "The Diet", I read that people who weigh themselves often have a better chance of keeping the weight off...I think it was Reader's Digest who planted this dark little seed. I'm pretty sure they meant that you should weigh yourself every few days...ever the girl of extremes, Alese has to take it one step farther! Of course, because you know, I just wouldn't be me if I didn't go completely overboard. I decided to "weigh in" Every. Single. Day.
OK...maybe a little excessive but not certifiable insanity yet. Things went well. For years. I lost the 40 pounds. I even lost 50. It felt sooooo good. The same way Heroine feels good. I began "chasing the dragon". It's a drug term. Simply put it means that nothing compares to, nothing feels as good as, that first high and so you are constantly chasing after it. That's how addicts are born. To the best of my knowledge, I've never done Heroine...but I have done Scale. As in, "Hi. My name is Alese and I'm a Scale addict."
Soon, weighing in once a day wasn't enough. If once was good, twice was even better. Once after I first went to the bathroom, and then again a few hours later after I had sweated on the Tread climber for an hour and gone to the bathroom again. 2 pounds difference at least! Awesome!
Then the numbers on the scale began to be low enough that I couldn't believe they were right. I mean they couldn't possibly be right. Convinced that the batteries were dying, I got new batteries. Same low numbers. No Effing way! That's when I began to drag my family members into my addiction. I'd grab a cat and step on the scale. Low numbers turned into high numbers because my cats are lazy and fat! Put the cat down and step on the scale...low numbers again. what a relief! But wait! There's more! I would repeat this process 4 or 5 times! What is wrong with me?
Maybe a certain amount of denial. I didn't think I would ever be thin again and when I finally was I didn't believe it. Because when I look in the mirror I see a monster. A side effect of having once been not just overweight, but morbidly obese (that's a different blog entirely, maybe some day I'll get to it).
I've been chasing the dragon for a year and a half now. It's becoming detrimental to my emotional health! I gained some weight after Christmas...everyone does it. I nearly had an emotional breakdown. watching those numbers bounce up and down panicked me!! It still panics me...because the weight is still not gone.
In my typical all or nothing approach to life I tried starving them off...no good. Starving is just not conducive to weight loss. I tried eating healthlfully and sensibly...no good. I ended up over eating (over eating isn't conducive to weight loss). I just can't seem to find my groove (Beware the Groove!) and I'm freaking out! If I can't find my groove does that mean I'll get really fat again? I lose sleep trying to answer this question (lack of sleep isn't conducive to weight loss btw).
Everyone tells me that I should be focusing on how my clothes fit and how I feel physically. I've tried that, my size stays the same despite the weight gain. That's good. Right? Yes, but not good enough, because in the back of my mind I hear the scale. It cheers me on. It taunts me. I just can't let go. I've tried hiding it...but i KNOW where I've hidden it and it doesn't stay hidden for more than a day and then I'm back at it.
In the scales defense (I'm defending the thing that makes me feel bad about myself, that's just how co-dependant we are!), it doesn't matter what it tells me anymore. If it shows me a lower number I start to worry about the next days weigh in, thinking about all of the ways I slipped up. If it shows me a high number, I'm inconsolable for the rest of the day. Damned if it does...damned if it doesn't.
So...very long story, short, I tried to break my addiction this last week. I weighed myself on Saturday, Monday and Wednesday...thinking that if I wasn't so stressed about what the scale said I could focus on eating healthfully and exercising. I gained 3 pounds :( WTF scale!
The point of all my rambling is that, rationally I know i am more than a number on the scale. I have an amazing life, why isn't that enough? Why do I feel like the only way I'll be a worthwhile person is if I'm skinny and cute? These are the questions I am examining right now...I'll keep you posted.
I guess the one good thing is that every day I start over...I never give up! "Hi. My name is Alese and I'm a scale addict."
Almost 4 years ago, I stepped on the scale for the first time in months. Maybe years..And surprise surprise, I realized I needed to lose at least 40 pounds! I mean I had suspected for a long time, but the scale removed all doubt or denial. Damn scale!
I felt hopeless! Should I try to lose it or should I go in the other direction? You know what I mean...because we've all been there...losing weight is hard and not much fun...gaining weight is easy and can be a lot of fun. I decided to lose it...and that's when my very unhealthy, co-dependant relationship with the scale began.
Sometime, in those first few months of "The Diet", I read that people who weigh themselves often have a better chance of keeping the weight off...I think it was Reader's Digest who planted this dark little seed. I'm pretty sure they meant that you should weigh yourself every few days...ever the girl of extremes, Alese has to take it one step farther! Of course, because you know, I just wouldn't be me if I didn't go completely overboard. I decided to "weigh in" Every. Single. Day.
OK...maybe a little excessive but not certifiable insanity yet. Things went well. For years. I lost the 40 pounds. I even lost 50. It felt sooooo good. The same way Heroine feels good. I began "chasing the dragon". It's a drug term. Simply put it means that nothing compares to, nothing feels as good as, that first high and so you are constantly chasing after it. That's how addicts are born. To the best of my knowledge, I've never done Heroine...but I have done Scale. As in, "Hi. My name is Alese and I'm a Scale addict."
Soon, weighing in once a day wasn't enough. If once was good, twice was even better. Once after I first went to the bathroom, and then again a few hours later after I had sweated on the Tread climber for an hour and gone to the bathroom again. 2 pounds difference at least! Awesome!
Then the numbers on the scale began to be low enough that I couldn't believe they were right. I mean they couldn't possibly be right. Convinced that the batteries were dying, I got new batteries. Same low numbers. No Effing way! That's when I began to drag my family members into my addiction. I'd grab a cat and step on the scale. Low numbers turned into high numbers because my cats are lazy and fat! Put the cat down and step on the scale...low numbers again. what a relief! But wait! There's more! I would repeat this process 4 or 5 times! What is wrong with me?
Maybe a certain amount of denial. I didn't think I would ever be thin again and when I finally was I didn't believe it. Because when I look in the mirror I see a monster. A side effect of having once been not just overweight, but morbidly obese (that's a different blog entirely, maybe some day I'll get to it).
I've been chasing the dragon for a year and a half now. It's becoming detrimental to my emotional health! I gained some weight after Christmas...everyone does it. I nearly had an emotional breakdown. watching those numbers bounce up and down panicked me!! It still panics me...because the weight is still not gone.
In my typical all or nothing approach to life I tried starving them off...no good. Starving is just not conducive to weight loss. I tried eating healthlfully and sensibly...no good. I ended up over eating (over eating isn't conducive to weight loss). I just can't seem to find my groove (Beware the Groove!) and I'm freaking out! If I can't find my groove does that mean I'll get really fat again? I lose sleep trying to answer this question (lack of sleep isn't conducive to weight loss btw).
Everyone tells me that I should be focusing on how my clothes fit and how I feel physically. I've tried that, my size stays the same despite the weight gain. That's good. Right? Yes, but not good enough, because in the back of my mind I hear the scale. It cheers me on. It taunts me. I just can't let go. I've tried hiding it...but i KNOW where I've hidden it and it doesn't stay hidden for more than a day and then I'm back at it.
In the scales defense (I'm defending the thing that makes me feel bad about myself, that's just how co-dependant we are!), it doesn't matter what it tells me anymore. If it shows me a lower number I start to worry about the next days weigh in, thinking about all of the ways I slipped up. If it shows me a high number, I'm inconsolable for the rest of the day. Damned if it does...damned if it doesn't.
So...very long story, short, I tried to break my addiction this last week. I weighed myself on Saturday, Monday and Wednesday...thinking that if I wasn't so stressed about what the scale said I could focus on eating healthfully and exercising. I gained 3 pounds :( WTF scale!
The point of all my rambling is that, rationally I know i am more than a number on the scale. I have an amazing life, why isn't that enough? Why do I feel like the only way I'll be a worthwhile person is if I'm skinny and cute? These are the questions I am examining right now...I'll keep you posted.
I guess the one good thing is that every day I start over...I never give up! "Hi. My name is Alese and I'm a scale addict."
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
I'm Back!
Confession:
I started a blog because I really enjoy reading other people's blogs. It's a lot like watching T.V.-the pictures are colorful, the situations are relateable, and everything ends on a happy note.
Confession:
I know that real life isn't like that and I know that a lot of bloggers avoid the grittiness (i.e. interesting) of real life and focus only on the squeaky clean (i.e. boring). That is sooooo not me! To pretend that my life is always sunny and bright in my blog just felt dishonest somehow.
Confession:
A lot of bad things happened during 2009 and I felt like I couldn't express them here because I thought that blogs were happy places.
Don't worry...I'm not going to rehash all of the gory details of 2009, BUT i have resolved to be more real. If a blog is an online journal then everything should go into it...the good, the bad and the ugly. I've read a blog or two recently that do just that and they sort of inspired me to give it one more try...MY WAY! We'll see how it goes.
I started a blog because I really enjoy reading other people's blogs. It's a lot like watching T.V.-the pictures are colorful, the situations are relateable, and everything ends on a happy note.
Confession:
I know that real life isn't like that and I know that a lot of bloggers avoid the grittiness (i.e. interesting) of real life and focus only on the squeaky clean (i.e. boring). That is sooooo not me! To pretend that my life is always sunny and bright in my blog just felt dishonest somehow.
Confession:
A lot of bad things happened during 2009 and I felt like I couldn't express them here because I thought that blogs were happy places.
Don't worry...I'm not going to rehash all of the gory details of 2009, BUT i have resolved to be more real. If a blog is an online journal then everything should go into it...the good, the bad and the ugly. I've read a blog or two recently that do just that and they sort of inspired me to give it one more try...MY WAY! We'll see how it goes.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Birthdays and Bullys
It has been so long since I lasted posted! Despite Kim feeding me post ideas (thanks btw Kimbo) I just haven't had it in me. But now I have a real moral dilemma and I'm hoping that by writing about it I will trust I have made the right decision.
My baby is sooooo popular!!! Yes that actually is my problem...in a way. Everyone is popular in Kindergarten. Everybody loves everybody! Ahhh don't you wish it would just stay that way? I swear I will not know what to do if (or should I say when) Bella gets bullied, cuz we all get if from time to time. Allow me to apologize in advance to the children who bully her, and their parents. Actually, I did mean to beat up your child, I don't take it back, but I'm sorry I left so many bruises! There that's out of the way! But now I've distracted myself. My problem is not bullying in the schools. Here's my problem. Bella was invited to 2 birthday parties on the same day at the same time!! Girl number one got her invites out 2 days before the other, but girl number two came to Bella's birthday party, and girl number one didn't. Bella will be so sad to miss either one, but she can't do both because Shane and I will be at work and can't be running her around town. So after thinking about it I've decided to send her to girl number two's party but get both girls a gift. Also, I have to admit, I'm afraid that girl number two won't have that many people show up because her invites weren't out first. I think I made the right choice. Didn't I? It became so complicated when Bella gained a social circle. Can't wait till middle school where everybody hates everybody! Big sigh...
My baby is sooooo popular!!! Yes that actually is my problem...in a way. Everyone is popular in Kindergarten. Everybody loves everybody! Ahhh don't you wish it would just stay that way? I swear I will not know what to do if (or should I say when) Bella gets bullied, cuz we all get if from time to time. Allow me to apologize in advance to the children who bully her, and their parents. Actually, I did mean to beat up your child, I don't take it back, but I'm sorry I left so many bruises! There that's out of the way! But now I've distracted myself. My problem is not bullying in the schools. Here's my problem. Bella was invited to 2 birthday parties on the same day at the same time!! Girl number one got her invites out 2 days before the other, but girl number two came to Bella's birthday party, and girl number one didn't. Bella will be so sad to miss either one, but she can't do both because Shane and I will be at work and can't be running her around town. So after thinking about it I've decided to send her to girl number two's party but get both girls a gift. Also, I have to admit, I'm afraid that girl number two won't have that many people show up because her invites weren't out first. I think I made the right choice. Didn't I? It became so complicated when Bella gained a social circle. Can't wait till middle school where everybody hates everybody! Big sigh...
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Yarn Is So CREEPY!
Kim tagged me. I'm supposed to name 6 quirky things about myself. I think this is really hard! I've been the Mayor of Quirkopolis pretty much my whole life and that seems normal to me. Other people would probably have a hard time stopping at 6 quirky things about me! Let's give this a try.
1. I am deathly afraid of balloons! But worse than balloons is YARN!!!!!!! It is so creepy. I cannot stress that enough!
2. I think the devil created cranberries specifically with me in mind.
3. I have a huge bald spot on the back of my head. A memento from one of my many hospital stays!
4. I love Dolly Parton! Seriously, the woman can do no wrong!
5. I hate to drive anywhere outside of Sanpete. White knuckles, sweaty palms, screaming, the whole bit. Sort of like that scene from the movie Clueless where Dion accidentally got on the freeway, that's me.
6. Everyone thought I was going to be really tall when I grew up. I have been 5" 2" since I was 9 or 10 years old.
Well, that actually wasn't so bad, like I said, narrowing it down was the hard part.
1. I am deathly afraid of balloons! But worse than balloons is YARN!!!!!!! It is so creepy. I cannot stress that enough!
2. I think the devil created cranberries specifically with me in mind.
3. I have a huge bald spot on the back of my head. A memento from one of my many hospital stays!
4. I love Dolly Parton! Seriously, the woman can do no wrong!
5. I hate to drive anywhere outside of Sanpete. White knuckles, sweaty palms, screaming, the whole bit. Sort of like that scene from the movie Clueless where Dion accidentally got on the freeway, that's me.
6. Everyone thought I was going to be really tall when I grew up. I have been 5" 2" since I was 9 or 10 years old.
Well, that actually wasn't so bad, like I said, narrowing it down was the hard part.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
353 Days
For the most part our calender is extremely mellow. Other than the occasional birthday or crazy weekend, the Petersen household is a very laid back place to be. We have it planned that way, we don't entertain at home and we rarely go out. We have 2 wild days in October (my birthday and Halloween, the 2 greatest days of the year!) but our December is chaos!
I know, I know, "EVERYONE is crazy in December", you say. And that is so true what with family get-togethers, work parties and school functions. It's no wonder people get depressed at that time of year. I think my December is just slightly more crazy than most. Call it bad planning on our part!
Let me take you on a tour of December 21 through December 31 at the Petersen's.
December 21: Shane and Alese's Anniversary. Not a huge deal, but I do like to celebrate it.
December 22-23: Getting ready for Christmas. We all know how this goes. Quite frankly it's a bit of a blur sometimes. There's baking, cooking, cleaning, wrapping, scolding, threatening, weeping, wailing and gnashing of teeth.
December 24: Christmas Eve and Schianne's birthday. More celebrating. Lot's of unwrapping. Extended weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth.
December 25: Christmas Day. This is the most mellow day of the week surprisingly!
December 26: Typically we have Shane's kids either coming or going. If they're coming it's more unwrapping. They usually hate what they got and so the weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth (henceforth known as WWGOT) continues. Ah, the sweet sounds of Christmas!
December 27-28: Presents trickle in. Late Christmas /Early Birthday. WWGOT!
December 29: Bella's birthday. MORE PRESENTS! Very little WWGOT, she just loves being the center of attention!
December 30: We call this Birthday Part 2: The Sequel. We take Bella to a movie or out to dinner or something like that.
December 31: New Year's Eve. General Lawlessness and Drunken Disorderly Conduct! Ha Ha I wish! Bed by 9:00 PM Happy New Year! I'm Freakin' Tired!!
This year, with the advent of Kindergarten and the addition of tons of new friends, we have added one more day to the mix. We call it :
January 6: Birthday Version 2.0! Since Bella's birthday will always be during Christmas Vacation she gets her un-birthday after they go back. We have Bella's special day spotlight(I have to make a poster), cupcakes all around(I ordered those!) and after school, (what else?) a birthday party! This year we had a tea party and (I must be insane) I let them use my china to eat off of! It's all ok though, no casualties, the china made it and so did I!
It's been fun and crazy and I don't think I'd change it, but boy am I glad when it's all over!
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!
I know, I know, "EVERYONE is crazy in December", you say. And that is so true what with family get-togethers, work parties and school functions. It's no wonder people get depressed at that time of year. I think my December is just slightly more crazy than most. Call it bad planning on our part!
Let me take you on a tour of December 21 through December 31 at the Petersen's.
December 21: Shane and Alese's Anniversary. Not a huge deal, but I do like to celebrate it.
December 22-23: Getting ready for Christmas. We all know how this goes. Quite frankly it's a bit of a blur sometimes. There's baking, cooking, cleaning, wrapping, scolding, threatening, weeping, wailing and gnashing of teeth.
December 24: Christmas Eve and Schianne's birthday. More celebrating. Lot's of unwrapping. Extended weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth.
December 25: Christmas Day. This is the most mellow day of the week surprisingly!
December 26: Typically we have Shane's kids either coming or going. If they're coming it's more unwrapping. They usually hate what they got and so the weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth (henceforth known as WWGOT) continues. Ah, the sweet sounds of Christmas!
December 27-28: Presents trickle in. Late Christmas /Early Birthday. WWGOT!
December 29: Bella's birthday. MORE PRESENTS! Very little WWGOT, she just loves being the center of attention!
December 30: We call this Birthday Part 2: The Sequel. We take Bella to a movie or out to dinner or something like that.
December 31: New Year's Eve. General Lawlessness and Drunken Disorderly Conduct! Ha Ha I wish! Bed by 9:00 PM Happy New Year! I'm Freakin' Tired!!
This year, with the advent of Kindergarten and the addition of tons of new friends, we have added one more day to the mix. We call it :
January 6: Birthday Version 2.0! Since Bella's birthday will always be during Christmas Vacation she gets her un-birthday after they go back. We have Bella's special day spotlight(I have to make a poster), cupcakes all around(I ordered those!) and after school, (what else?) a birthday party! This year we had a tea party and (I must be insane) I let them use my china to eat off of! It's all ok though, no casualties, the china made it and so did I!
It's been fun and crazy and I don't think I'd change it, but boy am I glad when it's all over!
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!
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